Why I Hate Spring Break

I could also title this Why I Like Underwear. I am not a curmudgeon, a prude or a stick in the mud. I like to have fun as much as anybody. Really, I write a travel blog – that means I travel. A lot. For fun. That being said, let me share with you why I hate spring break. There are crowds, there are loud drunks and most of all, there are an alarming number of people not wearing undergarments.

I had a friend in town this weekend who wanted to go walking on Duval Street and possibly pick up a pair of Kino sandals (at least that was successful). After my 17th visit to Home Depot this week, we were off for our relaxing stroll. Let me first ask a question: When did St. Patrick’s Day become a multi-day event?

I remember living in New York City and seeing police officers (on duty, guns in holsters) in bars drinking on St. Paddy’s Day. I can appreciate (or purposefully avoid) one day of green beer and shamrocks. As St. Paddy’s Day was last Thursday, I assumed we were in the clear. (You think you know where I am going with this, but trust me, it gets much worse than green beer).

Alas, Saturday was a St. Paddy’s Day bar crawl. Meaning, drunken idiots roaming the streets all afternoon and evening. While, I am sure there were plenty of well behaved people enjoying the crawl, I didn’t happen to see any of them. Instead, I saw a woman on her hands, legs being supported by a dude, crawling wheelbarrow-style across Duval. She was wearing a dress, and only a dress. I’m pretty sure that by now someone has posted pictures of her vagina on the internet. I’m not doing a search because, frankly, one viewing was more than enough.

So, here are my top reasons why you should wear underwear while on Spring Break. Also, good tips for people just randomly vacationing in Key West. These don’t really apply to Fantasy Fest – everyone expects to see your junk then.

  1. Everyone’s got a camcorder on their phone. Remember that whatever you do will eventually end up on the internet, and you may need to apply for a job one day. I’m just saying…
  2. You may want to wear especially pretty ones if you plan on riding the mechanical bull at Cowboy Bills while wearing a dress. They have some lovely photos on their website.
  3. Accidental nipple exposure is one thing, full-on stripping is another. Really, you should check the Cowboy Bill’s website and blog for your image… it may not be the one you want the world (or your grandmother) to see.

So, go for it. Get drunk, have fun and most of all, spend a lot of money in Key West. But, please wear underwear (or at least pants).

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