I Suck At Yoga

See how we are all smiling? (That's me, in the teal tank.) It is because we are finished!
See how we are all smiling? (That’s me, in the teal tank.) It is because we are finished!

I’ve never really understood the whole yoga thing. I mean, I know you are supposed to clear your mind, but every time I am at a yoga class and am lying there trying to “clear my mind” I end up running through my whole to-do list, and ending up pretty stressed about all the things I could be doing (you know, instead of trying to clear my mind…) Last night I was invited to try out the new Barkan Method yoga in Fort Lauderdale. Off I went, towel and water bottle in hand. Little did I know…

Did I mention this was hot yoga? And I really do suck at yoga? I know, I know, there are those that say you go at your own pace and do what you do, live and let live, yada, yada, yada. I, on the other hand, tend to stare at other people and try to figure out how they turn “crow position” into actually looking like a freaking crow. My body doesn’t work that way.

It didn’t help that I was not feeling well to begin with, but I know you are waiting for the list, so here you go. Reasons why I suck at yoga:

1. I can’t take things seriously. When I see myself in a 95 degree room, dripping with sweat, and there are people around me doing handstands for the hell of it, I think that is funny. So I laugh. A lot. Apparently that is not acceptable behavior. I had to spend a lot of time in child’s pose so I could hide my fits of hysterical laughter from the twenty people in the room taking themselves very seriously.

2. My feet do not belong anywhere near my ears and I am OK with that. But you know the pose where you lie flat on your back and stare at the ceiling? NAILED IT!

3. The trainer kept talking about our yoga “practice” and I kept thinking that I don’t have a yoga practice. Instead, I have a wine practice, and I am very, very good at it.

4. Did you know that knee caps sweat? What about ear lobes? I didn’t either, until both (along with every other inch of me) were completely drenched.

5. So I did try a few of the poses (when I could control myself) and realized that it is near impossible for me to grab hold of my knee when it is dripping in sweat and awfully slippery (see point #4 above), yet the serious yoga people seemed to have magic hands that don’t slide off their disgustingly sweaty bodies. How does that work?

6. Back to the finding it all funny thing… it is so hard not to laugh when I am trying to do a pose, hands sliding off knees, slipping all over the non-slip yoga mat, and this is all happening while I am watching myself in the mirror. If they would just get rid of the darn mirrors, I would imagine myself looking exactly like the instructor/crow and would probably be able to keep from laughing at all times. In fact, I just might imagine myself good at yoga. (But sadly, I can actually see that is not the case)

7. The flip side is that there are people – like the aforementioned handstand people – that like the mirrors. I hate them. (Both the handstand people and the mirrors, although I might even hate the mirrors a little more.)

8. You know how there are poses (like child’s pose) where you are supposed to put your forehead on your mat? Well, my giant nose gets in the way of this quite often. At least my nose seems giant when it is getting in the way of my forehead touching the mat. And I realize how ridiculous this is, so it makes me laugh even more (good thing my head is already down).

9. At some point in the class the instructor told us to “find your happy baby“, which I assumed meant a trip to a playground. Confused, I wanted to let him know that I did not, in fact, have a baby (or any other child for that matter). I later figured out that meant that I was supposed to be on my back, with my knees bent into the air and my fingers wrapped around my toes. Did I mention that I am the least flexible person on earth? You can guess how that went.

I could go on and on, but the kicker for me was this:

10. At the end of the class the instructor announced the he loved us all. No, you don’t. You don’t know my name, and the only thing that you know about me is that I suck at yoga, so no, in fact, you do not love me. But that is not so bad. I don’t love you, either. Namaste.

Here is the thing: I could see how this was actually a good class if you are into that sort of thing. It was way too advanced for me. I need a class (an air conditioned class) called Yoga for People Who Can’t Touch Their Toes. That, my friends, I would be willing to try.

If you are more flexible than I am, and like yoga for regular people that take yoga, check ’em out. Grand opening of Barkan Method

Yoga in Fort Lauderdale is tomorrow and all classes tomorrow are only $10. That is a small price to pay for big torture. Plus they will have giveaways tomorrow and raffles. (You can win more classes!) They are located in the Union Planters Plaza at 1119 North Federal Highway in Fort Lauderdale.



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